(Assuming you didn't typo) 見えね isn't a proper conjugation, it should be みえねえ or any of the variations (えぇ, えー), but they're too long for your mora count. This is where you go fancy and use 見えぬ (●ᴗ●)
In 暗い夜の風, you can use 夜風 instead and couple if with は at the end of the line to fall into the right track again and add some layer of depth
Particles usually go at the end of the lines, but this is just based on my experience reading poetry (i.e. I'm not sure if it's part of the rules or not), you probably want to change it to 崩れる砂に (attributive verbs usually do well without conjugation, 連体形 is a problem mostly when you write in classical japanese).
Although these are just things I'd do myself, feel free to disregard the advice if you did it for creative liberty.